It is said that to really understand a pain you need to experience it. But then: what could you, a man, understand about a disease like vulvodinia, which affects only women? It is difficult to enter such deep intimacy, a place where suffering is often hidden almost out of modesty. Yet, giving voice to this pain can help you have a more real awareness of what your partner is experiencing.
If it is still unclear to you what this condition is, or if she struggles to find the words to explain it to you, read the following: it may help you get rid of many clichés aboutvulvodinia-commonplaces into which, unintentionally, you may have fallen, too.
What vulvodinia” isn‘t “
It is NOT a fake disease. True: it is called an “invisible” disease, but only because chronic pain is not immediately visible from the outside. However, if you look carefully-notwith a quick glance, but with presence-the signs can be seen: the contracted face, thedifficulty in walking, the way the body protects itself.
And if it still seems hard for you to understand, consider this: vulvodinia is invisible only to institutions, which do not yet recognize it as a chronic disabling disease. That means expensive treatments, complex pathways, and a huge burden on women’s shoulders — and on your lives together, too.
It is NOT all in your head. Still too often even doctors dismiss vulvodinia as a psychological discomfort, just because it has not suffered an obvious organic cause. This pushes many women to feel almost guilty, as if their pain is “imagined.” But know that suffering is real. It may have psychological components-likeany chronic pain-but it has several physical causes that must be investigated seriouslyto arrive at a correct diagnosis. It is important that you know this-because your support at this stage is critical.
It is NOT an excuse to avoid relationships. vulvodinia is not the classic “headache”-the pain is so intense that even a simple touch can be unbearable, while penetration is experienced as something dramatic, sometimes even unthinkable. It is not an excuse not to have sex: it is a real impediment.And if it may be difficult for you to deal with this issue, talking about it together with a sexologist can become a safe and helpful space for both of you.
It is NOT a relationship issue. Many women are told by ill-informed professionals that if intercourse hurts, then “there is something wrong with the couple.” This is an unfair statement that shifts responsibility onto the bond that belongs only to physical pain. So keep this in mind: you cannot have sex not because you lack love or understanding, but because pain prevents it. And if this objective fact is not accepted, then yes the relationship can be questioned-butnot by you: by her, to protect herself.
It is NOT a problem she can deal with on her own. Perhaps you think that since it is such an intimate pain, you should stay “on the sidelines,” give her space and not interfere. This is partly understandable: the vulvodinia touches a delicate area, physically and emotionally. But know that this is not a path that a woman should be forced to go through alone. Your presence doesn’t solve the pain, of course, but it can ease its burden.
Being willing to listen without judging, to believe in her pain without minimizing it, to support her through difficult days or medical appointments, is something that makes all the difference. You don’t need immediate solutions or heroic gestures: you need to be there, with patience, respect and perseverance. Because this is not just her battle: it is a reality that, like it or not, involves both of you. And facing it together can turn suffering into a ground of greater closeness, complicity and trust.
It is NOT an “endless.” The vulvodinia is not a fate to which one must resign oneself. It’s important that you remember this too: in the face of slow diagnoses, treatments that don’t work right away, moments of worsening, it’s easy to lose hope … and risk no longer offering the valuable support she needs.
But from the tunnel of suffering you can get out. With effort, slowly, but it can be done. Finding the right doctor-orbetter, ateam to follow the entire journey-andarming yourself with patience is key. And doing it together can make the path less burdensome, and bring light back into the relationship as well.